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A Minister's journey of
faith
by Steve Blanchard
My journey to faith
was one marked by indecision, flimsy commitment and false promises. Sounds
like a typical minister’s beginning, I know; but it was also mine.
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Throughout my
childhood and teenage years, I viewed God much the way I viewed my
own father. I knew he loved me, but for the most part I feared him,
as in being scared. I constantly lived in fear of eternal damnation
and nothing I could ever do would be good enough to please God. I
went to church but mostly due to the fact that I dated a preacher’s
daughter on and off throughout high school. I made several
commitments to God between the ages of 8 and 18, usually followed a
severe case of failure. I “walked the aisle” several times, but it
was usually motivated by guilt, fear, or some motive other than
love; therefore, the commitment never “stuck."
I also lived
in an all-encompassing state of depression, though you would never
have known it from my outward actions. I was the funny guy, the
class clown, the “don’t dare me” kind of guy. But inside I was
miserable. I had lots of people I hung out with, played ball with,
or even dated, but no one I was really close to. I guess I could
even go on to say that I pretty much despised myself. |
My ever
present sense
of failure and doom led me to attempt suicide three times during my high
school years. |
My ever present
sense of failure and doom led me to attempt suicide three times during my
high school years. Want to talk about feeling like a failure? I could not
even kill myself. I never told anyone this until my senior year in college.
I hid it, lied about it, denied it and let it grind within me for several
years. I ended up moving two states away for college. In hindsight, it was
an attempt to get away and be on my own. However, that attempt was not well
thought out because I ended up attending a fairly conservative Pentecostal
Holiness junior college. Actually, I had never even heard of this college
before I decided to go there. But one of my friends was attending, so it
could not be all bad.
From day one, I
could tell it was going to be a rough road. All the rules reminded me too
much of home and God, two things I was sure, in some way, I was trying to
escape.
I stayed in trouble
of one kind or another, usually resulting from minor infractions or rule
bending, all in the name of trying to feel good about myself. I made a lot
of friends and despite the somewhat restrictive environment, I found myself
having a lot of fun. God was working on me ever so slowly.
Church was a
requirement the college imposed that I usually found ways of avoiding until
January of my sophomore year, during a revival service. I reluctantly went
because I had been caught skipping the first night. That night God moved
again in me and this time I decided to stick with Him for good. I made the
commitment to live my life the best way I could with God, and to allow Him
to live within me.
Following that
night, God began working fast. That summer I answered the call to ministry,
despite the apparent suspicions of some friends and professors that someone
like me, could really be a “man of God.” But I returned to the religion
program there and finished with a B.A. in two years.
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made the commitment to live my life the best way I could with God,
and to allow Him to live within me.
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For some time
I struggled trying to find my place of service. I worked odd jobs,
and then answered God’s call to youth and children’s ministry, then
onto seminary with my wife, Susan. It was after seminary that I
think God finally had me where He wanted me. Even through college
and my eight years of youth ministry, God had been bringing missions
to my front door in one form or another. I had been on two mission
trips in college and my youth groups were constantly involved in
some community mission project, whether they wanted to be or not.
Then in 1997,
God brought me to where I am today at First Baptist. It was a long
road marked by more potholes than I can and will write about; but
through all these experiences, God was forming my faith. In fact, He
still is. I suspect that God will never be finished with me because
there are still an awful lot of imperfections floating around inside
of me. I say a lot of things I should not say and think a lot of
things I should not think and do a lot things that I should not do;
however, I know that God does love me in spite of me. |
I have to admit
that I cannot explain God’s love and grace except with clinical explanations
because it still amazes and astounds me that God is who He is; a loving,
caring, forgiving, understanding, fun-loving, and true God.
And the other
awesome thing for me is that God still has more for me to do. Of course, I
do not know for how long; but even in the next moment, I know God wants me
to be a loving father to my two girls, a loving husband to my wife, and a
spreader of His good news to the world about me.
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Everywhere I
look, people are hurting and suffering. And even though I really
don’t care for catchy gimmicks or sayings, I have to ask myself what
would Jesus do? My answer always comes back that even though I may
not know exactly what Jesus would do, I know He would at least do
something. So I try to follow that little exhortation,
even though it sometimes requires a little effort, because, like
everyone else, I get caught up in my own little world and my own
annoying problems. God is still teaching me and working with me. He
is constantly showing me new ways of looking at things, even areas
that I thought I was pretty solid in.
God is always
reminding me that He loves me, because He knows the attitudes and
feelings of the past do sometimes rear their ugly heads and tell me
I am worthless or that I can never measure up.
And finally,
God is always opening up new doors of service and opportunity,
allowing me to see Him in ways that I might otherwise miss. |
God is always
opening up new
doors of service
and opportunity, allowing me to see Him in ways
that I might
otherwise miss.
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God is good, I try
to be.
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