God loved me through depression and divorce
by Geri Hale-Cooper

I stand at this place and look back over this incredible journey we call life. I see the sign posts all along the way now. Though I didn’t see them at the time, they are quite clear to me now; the signposts He placed for me. Sometimes these signposts were manifested as difficulties or obstacles, deserts with seemingly no oasis, problems presented over and over till I learned their lessons. Often they were people, the right ones with just the right gift at just the right time. This path often seemed tortuous and steep, blanketed in dense fog, riddled with difficult obstacles and confusing detours, dead ends, twists and turns. Now, as I look back with new eyes, I can see that always, this path was leading me straight to God. Through it all, I have learned one great truth: that God is good, and He is good all the time!

I believed that everyone’s feelings were my responsibility. This belief created in me a confusing message that I had a great deal of power in relationships to control and to “fix” others. This need to control and fix was driven by the fear of feeling guilt if I didn’t. This false belief led to a huge reservoir of guilt. Consequently, I became a people pleaser and a doormat. I had no idea who I was, what I believed, what I felt, and my self esteem was in the gutter. I was easily manipulated with guilt and my emotional life fluctuated between fear of conflict and anger and frustration. I kept people at a distance, fearful that if they got close they would see the bad and unlovable person behind the façade. My religion was one of rules, where compliance was more important than grace and prayer was often used as punishment. I did not know God or see how He could possibly be working in my life. God was just another authority figure: distant, demanding, angry, and shaming. I hardened my heart to God and shut the door on even the possibility of God. I left Him but, I know now that He never left me.

I married out of my need to escape my family situation and the underlying fear that I was incapable of taking care of myself. There is much truth in the adage “You attract what you are.” There I was, jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Rather than being taken care of, I became the caretaker, the fixer and the over responsible party. I was easily manipulated by pushing my “guilt button.” Lacking healthy boundaries, I allowed this to happen and was constantly congratulating myself on my martyrdom.

During the last eight or nine years of my marriage, a neighbor began babysitting for my daughter while I worked the evening shift. She was a faithful member of First Baptist Church. She began bringing my daughter first to Wednesday night activities and then to Sunday morning activities as well. Though I continued to turn a cold heart to church and to God, her kind and patient diligence and love of my daughter opened me to the possibility.

As I became stronger and healthier emotionally, my marriage began to deteriorate even more. The foundation of dysfunction upon which it was built was crumbling. I asked for a divorce and we separated. The dam that had been holding in my reservoir of guilt broke and I was flooded with overwhelming guilt. I could not escape it, I could not feel happy, I could not accept healing or forgiveness. I could no longer maintain my façade of strength and independence. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. The people of First Baptist Church held me, accepted me, cared for me and never once did they judge me. They were Christ to me when I couldn’t see it.

One day, standing in my bedroom crying and hopeless, I prayed to the God I had rejected for so long. I prayed, “God I cannot do this anymore, You have to help me, I give this to you. I can no longer carry this burden of guilt. Please take it from me.” I immediately felt the physical sensation of a black cloud rolling through and out of my body. From that moment on, my depression was gone. I was forgiven. From that moment on, I have walked with my Lord and my God. He lives in my heart and walks with me as my Savior and my Shepherd. Yes, as I look back over this journey that we call life, I see my God at every turn, in every moment, in every difficulty and crisis. He was teaching me and patiently waiting until I learned those lessons of love.

I am learning to surrender to this loving mysterious God, to trust Him with all of my life and to allow myself to float in His unending sea of grace.

Yes, God is good and He is good all the time.